‘Tim Paine does ALL DRS calls’ and Joe Root’s other ‘critical conditions’ required for England to tour

To whom it may concern,
I am pleased to confirm that my England team and I have agreed to tour your fine country of AUSTRALIA, subject to the following critical conditions:
1. No Steve Smith
In the 2019 Ashes, Steve Smith scored 774 runs at an average of 110.57. In the 2017-18 Ashes, he…


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